I think it’s important to see the rawness of life and how we tackle these moments. How an unforeseen, unimaginable crisis can affect more than just you and what that experience looks like months later. This week I get really personal. Mommy Engineering focuses on parenting and that includes the ups, downs, victories, failures, laughs, tears and everything else in between that effects parenting needs. My hope in telling you my incredibly personal story is that you see your importance much sooner than I realized mine.
How Infidelity Effected My Ability to be Mommy
I didn’t think it was possible for me to do that until it happened. Over a year ago, my world was flipped upside down and my heart ripped out and stomped on because of my husband’s affair. At the time I was only two months postpartum with our second child together. My hormones were raging inside me and I was feeling all my emotions all at once. It was simply the worst emotional rollercoaster ride of my life.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have the grace some wives seem to have when things like this happen. Nope. I was a crying, raging, babbling mess. In the days, weeks, and months that followed were full of pain and I became incredibly depressed. If his affair alone didn’t crush me, the harassment from the other woman did. My breaking point was when I had police officers showing up at my house to “check on my children” for signs of abuse. I lost it. With grace that could only come from God, I survived. My husband quit his job, my mother quit her job, my dad flew home and my kids, my two month old son Brayden and two year old son Jameson, were shuffled between households. They were moved around each week between three households and staying extended nights at each one. My health declined drastically and I lost about 35 pounds and my ability to breastfeed Brayden.
Have you experienced infidelity? Did it effect your family life? I would love to hear from you!
A year later, I look back on those days and literally cringe. I can still feel the deep pain in my heart from my husband’s betrayal but the guilt I feel about allowing my husband’s selfish choices affect my relationship with my children and their well-being is strictly on me. I see the problems that have since manifested in my children as a direct result of my withdrawal from them. I failed to establish a solid mom-baby bonding with Brayden who is now over one year old. I miss the feeling I would get when I breastfeed him and the way he looked when he would look up at me. It still hurts to think about. Jameson was affected the most. During the time when he needed guidance and attention, I wasn’t there for him. He is three years old now and for the last year, he suffers from separation anxiety, a demanding need for attention, and already suffers from low self-esteem and high anxiety.
Moving my family forward from this point is going to require a lot of work not only in my marriage but also with my children. My husband and I have taken over parenting our children and can’t be more thankful for that and the support our families have shown us this past year. My hope is that you reading this; whether you’re single, married, divorced, or riding the emotional infidelity rollercoaster ride from hell, that you never forget being Mommy and how important your job is to their lives. Stay strong and take care of you so you can take care of those most important to you.
What life crisis have you gone through that effected your ability to parent and how did you overcome it?